Sunday, January 30, 2011

Master Cleanse: Day 4

So that 3-day-hump think I was hoping applied to the Master Cleanse? It doesn't. Not for me. Not this time.

It really didn't help that my husband and I got to bed at 2am before waking up at 9am for church. 7 hours of sleep for me normally isn't bad, but every other day since I started the cleanse I grabbed at least 11. So that answers the "is-extra-sleep-vital" question. I was definitely feeling the difference.

While I was getting ready for church I could tell that going was a bad idea, but it seems like something always gets in the way on Sunday mornings and I wasn't going to have it. I felt about as frail as a twig -- I'm pretty sure a five-year-old could have fought me and won. I also felt starved, exhausted, and nauseous. I understand the exhausted part; I hadn't eaten for four days, and went to bed at 2 o'clock in the morning. But starving? I didn't even have a chance to roll out of bed and drink that stupid crap, and I already felt starving. And the nauseous is just as much of a mystery as yesterday's indigestion.

And I felt like I was going to collapse. No, scratch "felt like": I was doing everything in my power not to collapse. I tried to drink the mixture but I could feel the heat of the cayenne seeping through the pours of my face and coming out my mouth like a fire-breathing dragon. Our apartment had to be 75*, but I felt like it was a burning 95*. I fixed a new mixture, which I tried to drink during church but it made me more nauseous. I forced a couple burps which alleviated the nausea, so maybe it was like faux nausea? (Does that exist?) Anyway we ended up walking out of church half way through the service because I was unable to fight the combination of overwhelming fatigue, faintness, and nausea. I was so sick of resisting how I felt and so afraid of throwing up (I hate and fear regurgitation about as much as needles) that I was fully crying by the time we got to the parking lot. Funny the things that evoke my tears, because I promise I'm not usually the crying type. I'm so very glad I didn't throw up on the car ride home because we were in my pretty new car on Texas interstate with no where to pull over. I sipped some hot chicken broth when I got home, took a long nap and I'm now feeling a lot better.

I do not think that my experience is normal. I have read nothing but positive reviews about the Master Cleanse and its effects, and I think I'm supposed to feel as good every day as I did on day 1. But I've made some mistakes:

* I haven't been using the right syrup. You're supposed to use Grade B maple syrup, but I was kind of hoping that good ol' pancake would do the trick. (It was $19 cheaper. Can you blame me?) This may explain the nausea...?
* I haven't been drinking enough regular water.
* I failed to realize that the Master Cleanse permitted a three day ease-in process. Instead, I just jumped into it.

I also failed to realize that the Master Cleanse can be done in as little as 3 days! The longer you go the more effective it is I'm sure; but after today I'm kind of tempted to bring my goal of 10-days down to 7.

Yesterday my husband and I went to Ikea. Worst idea during a Master Cleanse ever. You cannot go in to that place without craving at least a cookie. I ended up watching my husband devour a plate of their famous Swedish meatballs with mashed potatoes and macaroni and cheese... that was the saddest thing ever. It was torture. Oh and also, don't cook a big beautiful breakfast of pancakes, toast, eggs and bacon for someone when you're not aloud to have any, because I was dying for a bite of pancake so bad it was almost a deal breaker. (And of course my husband left all of his delicious looking unfinished pancakes on the plate, with his fork still there, in the kitchen for me to face yet again and yet again muster the will power to scrap it into the trash and not eat any... yeah, it was definitely the most insensitive thing he's ever done.)

So that was day 4 and your list of what-not-to-do.

As for me? I don't do nausea: I plan to sip a cup of chicken broth for the rest of the night, and I don't care.

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